Fixed my issues
I see a lot of people still complaining about decent download speeds but terrible upload speeds, a problem which plagued me across multiple residences AND multiple modems for the better part of a decade. No amount of customer service or even begging could do the trick, until I started renting a Cox Cable Panoramic modem. So while I'm sure we all hate greedy and evil monopolies, if you really need that service perhaps the same could work for you.
Also, can anyone explain to me why Google Fiber doesn't have data caps? Too bad Cox fought so hard to keep them out of town.